That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
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Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
😎 🍻
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
I think this should do it.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet