Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
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“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
two people or more is called a problem
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Beware of the “party goblin”…