If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
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My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Has there ever been a more American story?
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate