I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.