You Might Also Like
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves