To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
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Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.