BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
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Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in