I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
You Might Also Like
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.