Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
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That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you