drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
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My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Saturday
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Discuss
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.