[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
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Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”