A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
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Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive