No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
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Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
I wish I could veto my bills.