*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
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Cheers Twitter.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”