It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
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I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
#CoronaOutbreak
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES