(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
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There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
I love the National Park Service.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
started wrapping my pills in cheese
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”