I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
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Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.