Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
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I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Just so funny
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.