if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
You Might Also Like
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.