Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
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“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.