[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
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Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Seek kebab; not attention
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time