Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
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When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*