Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
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Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Expect the unexporcupine.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Beware…..
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right