[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
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“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”