Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
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Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.