her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
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sounds kinky. i’m in.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
🙅🏻
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?