My safe word is Worcestershire
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It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
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Prince
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Duke Ellington
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Steve Earle
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Lorde
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Lady Gaga
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Sir Mix-a-Lot
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My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Just got to our Airbnb!
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave