Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
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[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
The funk soul brother
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.