Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
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*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Oh hi lol
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes