ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
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[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.