the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
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I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music