your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
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Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
こいつ天才
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?