The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
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Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight