So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
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I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.