*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
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*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow