Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
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Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Please do it!
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
britain’s three elite institutions
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?