People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
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A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!