Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
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[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.