I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
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Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
notice