I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
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[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.