First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
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bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
be careful
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”