I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
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Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !