(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
You Might Also Like
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
You saw nothing. I am ham.