this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
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my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
I put the hot in psychotic.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain