Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
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we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP