I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
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Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Botany good plants lately?
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆