“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
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I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Anyone really
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
White Castle for the Win
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas