[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
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[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.