Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
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Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?