ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
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I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
these two trucks have the same bed length
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.