[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
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They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
At an art museum and I thought this was art
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.